PORN STORE ADVENTURES

26^th Dec 2010

Sunday // 9pm // 1 year ago

Don’t feed the ducks..

Ok so this is less porn store related then the others but for sure a story that sticks out in my mind. So one aimeless saturday morning i was working with B and she had brought in these crunchy won ton strips to munch on. We had a random influx of mallards that day in the strip center and we were DEAD in the store, so trying to help the ducks out and get a little entertainment, we fed two of the ducks the wonton strips, they ate them for upwards of ten minutes right outside our storefront. THEN SUDDENLY ALL THINGS WENT BAD, VERY BAD. The first larger duck began to quack fiercly and suddenly with the force of a cannon he blew shit all over the store window, the other duck began to quack fiercly too shooting shit from his tail feathers with the same force and aiming it directly at the other duck coating his side. For a good five minutes the ducks continued their rendition of two ducks one cup outside of the store while b and I tried to run them down the strip center so that they would do it in front of the chinese food place. all in all it was a really random freaking day. YAY PORN.

26^th Mar 2010

Friday // 7pm // 1 year ago

I paid good money for these wanna feel ‘em?

So I was working with C-dog and it was the saturday afternoon shift. We had our regulars come and go all day, and i was getting bored.. So I went next door to grab a slice of pizza, when I came back there were two ladies a couple of years older then myself browsing the store.. I started talking with them and just shooting the breeze about products, when i just made the comment, “see c-dog I want mine to be perky like hers” the brunette turned and smiled at me, “I only payed 6 thousand for these, and I love them and so does my husband, Wanna feel?” Not wanting to disappoint a customer I felt her up :) lol.. her friend looked mortified and blushed. So I pulled my hand away as C-dog, excused himself to go to the bathroom, making a small comment about having to re adjust himself after the hot scene of me feeling up a customer next to the Butt Plugs and Tranny Porn. So then she proceeds to tell me she used to be a stripper, and I was like Yeah I want to learn that whole making your buttcheeks move independently thing that the strippers do, and she grabbed the buttplug stand turned around and wiggled hers, Like this you mean she said over her shoulder.. I smiled HELL YEAH LIKE THAT.. so just as C-dog made it out of the backroom me and the customer were bent in the middle of the store doing the stripper butt wiggle..

After selling both ladies 100 plus dollars worth of stuff c-dog just shook his head at me, your a crazy chick.. I tapped my temple, it’s all about gorilla marketing my friend, those ladies would not have bought nearly that much stuff if i hadnt of entertained them like i did.. you should show a nipple or something every now and then and watch your sales sky rocket my friend.. :)

11^th Mar 2010

Thursday // 8am // 1 year ago

Lube or Massage oil.. and Memphis

So being the expert porn and porn accessory sales person that i am.. sometimes i might get a little personal with the questions..

One night just me in the shop again, except for Sid our live in i dont work here volunteer security and companion. And this attractive carmel skin room illuminating smile guy comes in. sniff sniff yep i smell fine.. suck your teeth make sure nothings on them.. check.. SMILE.. he was looking for a massage oil is what it came down to after he cruised the store for a few minutes. well again like i said being that expert sales person i asked if he wanted massage oil or a flavored lube that doubled as massage oil.. i mean one you can have fun with afterwards without fear of infection, and the other requires some wiping off or even showering before you get down to the business. he looked at me a little confused as sid riled me from behind the counter about flirting. so i looked at the guy and said listen.. are you having sex afterwards or are you just doing the massage thing.. i could see his cheeks blush a little as he shrugged, i dont know.. Sid almost choked on his soda when i asked the question and blurted something about being too personal and flirting again.. i shushed him and looked back at the guy, Ok listen if you buy this one (pointing to just the massage oil) you cant stiick anything inside her that it has gotten on without washing.. you dont want an infection.. i mean if you were going to try to get some the best choice is the lube tha doubles as the masage oil.. and it’s flavored i mean COME ON Flavored makes everything fun. Sid had enough of my intrusivness and stepped to the office sighting that he was going to give us some time alone for our personal sex talk.. the guy blushed some more and decided on the lube.. just in case ya know lol… then i had to ask him what flavor he would most enjoy licking off a naked body BAM THERE GOES THE BLUSHING AGAIN.. and i can hear Sid in the back laughing, eavesdropping fool. So after some flirtatious banter he decided on the peaches n’ creme.. my fav lol.. checked him out and at the door he turns around and says, By the way i’m memphis.. i smile and say im lisa, and pointed at sid and said and thats my evil minion of doom.. he laughed and left.. the joy of working at the store looking at all the cuteness that comes in.. male and female..

so just a side note, he came back a few weeks later to talk to me, we became friends found \out he lived on my street then moved 2 blocks away , and he turned out to be really awesome. moral of the story, flirting gets you everywhere and pornstore friends arent always creeps lol

The end

Love and rockets

08^th Mar 2010

Monday // 2am // 1 year ago

Our Entree is a satisfying dish of Ben Wa balls with a side of stalking

So I always tried to be nice to all the customers coming into the store. you know strike up a conversation make them feel a little less dirty for buying what they are. Well one saturday morning a L A R G E woman came into the store and was bouncing (literally) from corner to corner othe store, so i asked if i could help her. she explained she was hosting a girls party and wanted to give ben wa weighted balls for gifts so i showed her our small but stocked ben wa section. she picked out eight pairs and commented on my makeup and my clothes and my hair and my tattoos.. it was like she was taking me out on a date and wanted me to feel pretty. so i started to shrink back behind the counter feeling a littlle mentally violated. She waddled to the counter and put all the products on the top and began to tell me her life story..

*I just want to make a side note here on signs of a future stalker*

1. pouring compliments like a leaking roof

2. telling you about her life of being broken hearted

3. telling you she feels you might be her soul mate after 10 mins

4. meeting her in the porn store you work at

5 she stays at your store for five hours just being there..

Ok so she starts to tell me her life for five freaking hours then tells me that she feels really connected to me. so i finally look at c-dog who calls the store phone from his cellular and says it’s for me. so i tell her i have to go and she leaves. I look at c-dog and start to laugh. but before i can say anything shes back in the door carrying a pizza from the place next door. Anyone want pizza i got it so we could finish talking. I have to think quickly im starting to get that mental violation thing again. so i grab c-dogs keys and say well my shifts over and im out the back door before she can follow or say anything. I wait in the back of the store for almost thirty minutes when c-dog comes out and says she’s gone. so im back in the store and feeling a little safe when i start to feel this looming evil presence at the front of the store.. DUN DUN DUN she comes in the door just as i dive under the counter and shut the doors of the glass cases so she cant see me. she gives my co worker her email address home phone, cell phone, work phone, home address and work address and asks him to give it to me. then she leaves and gets in her car and he watches her leave the parking lot before i get up. i tear up her info and throw it away. for the next two weeks i took some time off for school and weekend trips and my full time job and when i finally came back in i had a two inch stack of phone messages from her and she had come in 20 plus time in the 14 days. I mean really are you kidding me.. i sold you some freaking ben wa balls get over it. so finally i went to my boss explained the situation and she said she would handle it.. yeah right.. so finally c dog takes it into his hands to get something done because im now afraid to come to work since i was almost always on night shift alone. he calls her and tells her that because of her stalking me i had quit the store and i was in the process of filing a restraining order on her, in which case she freaked out screaming and yelling for twenty minutes then said she was on her way to the store and hung up.. we saw her car pull up but she never got up because of the three cop cars outside (thank god the local cops love the pizza place next door lol) so she calls from the parking lot crying saying that calling the cops was uncalled for and that she was just so lonely. and then she quickly sped away..

Lesson learned, be a dick to everyone that comes in the store and you wont be stalked by a hugeasaurus armed with vibrating ben wa balls.

03^rd Mar 2010

Wednesday // 3am // 1 year ago

PhOtO pHuN!

OK SO I JUST WANTED TO POST SOME PICS I WILL RETURN WITH MORE ADVENTURES JUST NOT UP TO TYPING TONIGHT. BUT THESE PICS ARE AWESOME :)

03^rd Mar 2010

Wednesday // 3am // 1 year ago

03^rd Mar 2010

Wednesday // 3am // 1 year ago

03^rd Mar 2010

Wednesday // 3am // 1 year ago

03^rd Mar 2010

Wednesday // 3am // 1 year ago

25^th Feb 2010

Thursday // 2am // 1 year ago

It’s raining cyberskin Nipples and Tiny Vaginas

Ok so just a little backstory here.. when we receive a new cyber skin anything (pocket pussy, dildo, doll, ANYTHING) they always have this little “feel me” cyberskin trial size on the outside of the package, most are shaped like little round nipples, but some are shaped like mouths and vaginas. so to stick them on the packages they use this tacky adhesive that stays sticky even when the piece is removed from the package.. that being said…

IS IT RAINING?

So it all started because AGAIN i was on night shift alone.. and doing inventory.. AGAIN.. i reached into the box of toys and when i pulled out my arm there was a cyberskin nipple stuck to my wrist obviously falling off a package during transport. i pulled it off and stuck it to the security camera screen and continued to finish stock. deciding to leave the rest for the next days shift i pulled the nipple off the screen and began tossing it around.. i tossed it at the ceiling a few times and it bounced back but the last time i tossed it it stuck to the stupid cheap ceiling panel… i tried to get it down but it was REALLY stuck..so i left it there.. over the next few shifts i worked alone it became a regular thing to add a nipple to the ceiling.. then i took off for a week to go to houston to see family. *macy and *C-dog covered my shifts. when i returned the following monday i went about my buisness as usual until i was waiting on a customer and out of no where this tiny vagina bounced off my shoulder.. i looked around to see who threw it but didn’t see anyone.. the customer looked just as confused as i was.. so instinctivly i looked to the ceiling.. it was like a piece of art work, 50 to 60 tiny vaginas and nipples in an array of colors clinging to the ceilings panels.. the customer looked at me weird as i started to laugh and left in a hurry. over the next few weeks they all came to a crash bouncing off of people, products, counters and computers, leaving these gross looking brownish green stains on the ceiling tiles.. a week after the last one came down we received a notice to be hung in the store behind the counter it said

” THERE WILL BE NO MORE RAINSTORMS OF VAGINAS AND NIPPLES, ANY EMPLOYEE CAUGHT WITH VAGINA OR NIPPLE PARAPHENELIA (spelt wrong) WILL BE FIRED ON THE SPOT”

LMAO..